so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
