i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
