I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
