I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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