The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
