Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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