marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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