there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
