ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Randomize
