the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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