Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
