Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
