i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
