Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I look better un-naked...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
