Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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