I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
