I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
