Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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