I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
