a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
