just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
