why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
