I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When are your genitals available?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
