Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
