You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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