Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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