Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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