I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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