We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
