Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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