he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
