I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
MIDGETS
????
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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