Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
