so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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