Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
