So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
