You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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