We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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