if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I could make wine with my vomit
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Randomize
