I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
