I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
