I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
