Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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