mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
