I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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