..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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