I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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