i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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