Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
