During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
