Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
