Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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