my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
