Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize