You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
