something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
