I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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