and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
