Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
