did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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