i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
