you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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